As a rule of thumb in getting to know men, I don't really take the initiative. I over-think things so much as to whether I might come across as too aggressive or bold, a flirt or a bitch. But realizing that nothing much has changed for the last 2 years, I decided to muster up my courage and risk it. I got nothing much to lose, right? Wrong! I lose my right to being feminine to the average men.

A REAL man take it as someone who is making it happen, and take the reins from there. An average man thinks that he should be the one making it happen first and actually secretly loathe you for doing it.(but what the hell, they will be clueless about you if you don't start anyways, right? But that's the thing, an average man has average thinking). Other men just becomes passive and go along with it, and give up their manly role to me without making a discussion about how i should be a lady instead and just smile and be pretty while they crack their minds trying to woo me.And then i get to lose interest in them and I'm back to square one. You know, i actually appreciate it ALOT if a guy can tell me and make me stay in my place for a while and ask me to shut up and let him do the chasing.  Or they can let me do it sometimes when they're out of ideas...

I'm getting agitated. I've been getting insomnia. Perhaps time is nearing the new semester. And that a few things have to be done prior to that start of it. It makes me keep thinking about those tasks. But  my mind just keep shutting off. Procrastination at its best.

I hate having the EXTRA time to think. The time you received is enough to think crazy stuffs, but getting more than you should get, is not good. There's always room for unnecessary regrets that you have long passed overdue and shoved away at the far corner of your skull. But it came back. Why? Cos my goddamn mind starts to string those stuffs back just to analyze and FIX me.

I can't deny I love my solitude. But i love it dearly through circumstances. Situations when i NEED inner balance and peace. Some place I need to reflect. But at times when I just want to spring back into the crowd, it's like, nothing there. Or maybe not yet. So I'm left just waiting for others to come. Or make a fool out of myself, getting attention, which I had pay a price for in the past. Now I'm left wondering...Am i just truly beyond being myself and my frequency is just off for other's hearing?? Oh...right....the pathetic case of the INFJ always being the one blending in with everyone's patterns and colours and has died trying being different. (Not that it's a deliberate choice).

Go figure.
Gosh I wish my mind would stop for a minute and let me forget about whatever I'm thinking right now.

First semester results are out!!
I'm so glad I achieved my goal!! I was afraid i couldn't survive but i did! AND i proved some people WRONG. I'm so thankful to have my cousin who helped me during the initial period in NIE. I remembered once he said he would vomit blood reading my very first assignment essay. Subsequently, i managed to improve so much. Thanks to his guidance and concrete feedbacks.

I've officially opened a savings account! I'm happy I did. Alhamdullilah=) The thought of not having money on rainy days have been haunting me ever since I started working. It's scary. I shudder every time i remembered all those times my family was poor when I was a teenager. Working part time and studying full time before was such a chore. Working so much yet there seemed so much to pay for. Never-ending bills, food on the table, project money, everyday transport, and giving financial contribution to parents..>.<"

2012 seems such a fruitful year for me. Weee!! 2013 will be even better. Insyaallah, nothing is going to happen that I can't handle. Everything i had worked hard for, I'm going to make sure my parents have an easier life. It's only when i feel they have been taken care of, I can live and breathe without any worries.

The only thing I'm always been concerned about is the lack of religious activities after my grandparents passed away. I want to but I don't know how to.  Oh how i wish someone could pick me up and lead me in this direction. I want to feel there's something bigger I can reach. I need HIS protection. Everyone's fighting for their right to live on earth, but what about salvation after death? Everybody's going to be in the 5-foot deep in that same soil, yet our souls will go different ways. I hope 2013 will be the year I can deal with this concerning issue..

One thing I hate about holidays is that there will be plenty of times to self-reflect and ponder. THAT, i hate. I can't stop myself. I just happen to be one of those few people who has too much fun in the head, thinking and over-thinking about stuffs. I wish i still had some work to do.. GESL ended too fast. I can't start on the end project report yet as I haven't decide what my team needs to do yet. Guessed we are still basking in the achievement and relief. 

One of the things that got me pondering these days..is by far, my 'mischievousness', a 'secret' trait that I no longer find beneficial for myself. I must admit i was a whirlwind before, trail-brazing through people's way, in the most unpredictable manner. It was an eye-opener experience because I finally found the truest truest most truest friends who understands me and still accepts me the way I am. Not a good method but it was sure hell of a ride. I'm not sure if i'm still the same person as before, when i was free-spirited and out-of-control..because life has been more peaceful and focused now. Or maybe it was just me becoming more peaceful and focused. Oh you know, it was just a crazy phase. 

And with that, I refuse to be affiliated to people whom I had to deal with during those times. Perhaps I believe there's a reason they are in my past. And that I continually seek that learning experience and move forward without looking back. Sure, i do bloody missed some people I used to know..But what am I do? They probably hate me anyways. HAHA!!! Oh well, I can live with that. But i can't live with my own hatred towards people. Rather burn the bridges behind me than counting steps backwards. 

Term's ended and I'm feeling so drained out, emotionally and physically. Wondered how I went through without breaking apart. Suppression is really bad.
While doing the final essay on life stories, it really made me take a good look at myself and how I've turned out. Pretty overwhelming but I just don't know who to tell.

Sort of ran away from home yesterday and here I am back in my hall.  Didn't tell my mum where I was going. I just packed my bags and left.Why?
Because there is only so much crap I can take, and once I feel like I'm going to combust like a firecracker..I should just leave and calm myself down, ALONE time that is.
Someone should slap some sense in him. It's affecting everyone, it's not going to do any good to my younger brother whose rebelling at his age. I hope one day he realized this.. So disappointing. So so upsetting!
I'm only going back once I've cooled down.

In the other hand, I'm glad I've found some people who empathize and really understand me...I know I'm different at sorts, and a lot of people don't get me. I'm so self- contained in my own world, it's even harder to reach out. But they accepted me as how I am, helping me to get by.

They are my bricks, my support system.

Hoping to really relax and calm down during this term break. Time to break free.

I don't know how to start this post. Oh fuck it. The more I'm adapting to school life, the more further I am with my old life. Is that a good or a bad thing? 

And the more i realized there are quite a number of people who are close-minded with concepts of  "sociability". Didn't expect there are others who are not as accepting and approachable as they may seem to be. And  didn't expect them to start gossiping and spreading assumptions without any basis of proof that also creates an awful lot of misunderstandings. There is this term "Treat others as how you want to be treated". But this shouldn't apply to such people. Might have been my mistake to assume everyone's friendly and "nice". Or I'm just a little naive. But then again, come on, future teachers? Seriously????

Assignments are piling. And i'm surviving. School's great. Friends are awesome. Loving the routine. Loving my hall. Can't ask for anything more. 

I have no feelings of regret with my dating phase. It . just. ended. I can't believe how pathetic it sounds after I typed that out!!!! But on a bigger note, I do not harbour any intention of dating again right now. I guess it comes natural for me to focus on knowing myself spiritually. That I will not fall for another just because I need some kind of validation, or just because I'm afraid to be alone, or just because I need a little external  drama in my life. Or because I pity the fellow. That feeling of stability and serenity as Im experiencing, is all that I have been looking for and preserving for now. And if any guy that comes along,I want it not to be for all the wrong reasons.  And that is a promise I made for myself. Pretty selfish. 

...But pretty effective.

Hari Raya tomorrow?
Wow, I didnt feel the vibe this year. Maybe i'm too engrossed with assignments and homework and research. I'm having a little breakout too anyways. Left my contacts and my eyeliners in my hall, so I'll be wearing my fat glasses tomorrow. Doesnt really bother me, I've been wearing fat glasses for years.  I AM SERIOUSLY NOT BOTHERED ABOUT DRESSING UP FOR TOMORROW.

Living in the hall for the first week is scary. Made amanda stay on the phone with me while i went to pee in the toilet at 11pm. Missed all my friends. But after the third day, i got used to it already. Maybe because i accepted the fact that i have to try and survive on my own and make this change work for me. And school itself has been brain-draining on me. So fear was pushed aside..Thankfully.

The worst that happened was to find out that one of my lecturers..is strikingly racist and rude. Condescending to the max! Even from the first ever sentence she ever spoken to us. I am usually not the kind of student who would deliberately pick a fight with the teacher. But i felt soooooo strongly against the way she perceives us all. If there was a chance that i could express my own opinion, i would take every chance, and i did. Not just me but there were alot more of us. I know it will show in her bad side and deliberately try to fail us all (hopefully she is not that evil), but i really believed that she does not have the WILLINGNESS to build rapport with her students. No doubt that she is very smart indeed but it's such a sad thing to see that she couldnt make people like her 'smartness' due to her poor level of EQ, or no EQ at all. To the fact that we do not even want to look at her during class and ignore her when she talks.

Cause and effects. That's our reaction to her mean behaviour. I know she wants to control, but that's the negative and wrong way to do so. People accept positive, encouraging and justful dispositions from teachers. Not RUDE. Nor RACIST. Not ARROGANT.


It's pretty common sense. In life, i mean. Who cares if you're super smart, or rich, or pretty or handsome. If you treat people badly, they wont like you. Even animals won't like you!!