Sometimes i really wonder if my friends knew me.I wonder if they knew the kind of person i am inside. I rarely tell people how i feel. But so what if i do?I'm not obliged to say how i feel if i don't want to. There's a deeper level which i greatly want to understand about myself first and i'm searching for these answers all the time..And i certainly don't like to be forced on to say how i feel about stuffs. Why can't they respect my decisions.

If it's because the lack of trust,then maybe it is..If i realised that one way or another,some things which i have told someone has been passed around to somebody else..and it comes back to me,diffrently..i felt like i have been fooled.i felt betrayed that the info has no longer been kept safe and was tainted by others. I felt like i can't trust people with these such things ever again. All i want is to feel secure. Why can i have that? Why would i have so many barbed wires around me sometimes? It's because i want to protect myself. No one can do that for me isn't it?

Maybe i'm too sensitive.i get that..All the more i should numb myself with all this hurting to protect myself. I rather keep things to myself isn't it.? All the more i should suck it up and let it be cos' the more i think bout how things didnt go my way,the more i feel disappointed.

And why can't people just let me be.Just let me be myself for once. i'm sick of all this pretense..i'm sick of adapting to everyone.I'm sick of trying to hold my breath each time im angry or upset at them.I'm sick of control. I'm sick of staying calm. For one bloody shitty moment, i want to let go. Just let me let loose.